Ask a Dick: Introducing Richard Arnold

Written by Richard Arnold

It’s crucial to begin by stating that I am full of shit. Not in the same way that some asshole boasts about his fictitious six hour “fuck-a-thon” that he had last night. I am full of shit like we all are full of shit. Everything I say is based on bias and axioms that are my own. So, as I run down some of the principles that I consider to be true regarding the way we interact in relationships, try not to get your panties in a twist.

Leaders

“Everything rises and falls on leadership.”

50/50 relationships are a myth. They don’t exist. Period. Someone is always the leader in a relationship. The leader has to teach the other person the rules of the relationship. The upside of being the leader is that you get all of the respect that position necessitates. The downside is that everything that goes wrong in the relationship is your fault. EVERYTHING. Bitch acts up, you didn’t train her right. Cock sucker fucks your best friend, why didn’t you have his balls on a leash? Everything is your fault.

Sex = Time

“I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.”

Men view their time the same way women view fucking a guy. Unfortunately, most women are unaware of this. Women don’t want to fuck guys they flirt with. Likewise, men don’t want to hang out with every girl they meet. Time is important to men. Sex is important to women. We trade time for pussy. It’s the economics of relationships.

Lose Your Dignity

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

This one is also mostly directed to women. Whatever you are doing in the bedroom that you think is making your man happy should be at least twice as filthy. Seriously, without exception. Unless you are already a whore because that’s what we want. Spit, choke, raw, nasty. All of it. Just take your dignity and throw it out the window in the bedroom. Embarrass yourself.

Logic Trumps Emotion

“If something is irrational, that means it won’t work. It’s usually unrealistic.”

Never let your emotions take over when it comes to the business of the relationship. Sometimes we all get those big eyes when we look at someone, but you have to check that shit. You have to make decisions with a clear head. Always be willing to walk away from some shit. Just quit looking at people like you will die without them. It’s bullshit.

These are a few of the ideas that I think are universally true, but I am sure some of you disagree. If you have questions, write in. I’ll answer some of them. If you want to send me hate mail, I’ll print it out and put it on my refrigerator. Some of you have questions that I can answer to help you along with the problems that you might be having in or out of relationships. Let’s discuss this shit. Just remember, If I choose to answer one of your questions just don’t get your feelings hurt, stupid.

Email all questions to: askadick@purgeatl.com

http://www.viceland.com/int/dd.php?id=108 Fellow DicK

hehehe, I like Vice too!
spark

I think I read a similar article in my Martha Stewart magazine…
http://killyourdarlingsatl.com melysa martinez

The best line, hands down, is “This one is also mostly directed to women. Whatever you are doing in the bedroom that you think is making your man happy should be at least twice as filthy. Seriously, without exception. Unless you are already a whore because that’s what we want. Spit, choke, raw, nasty. All of it. Just take your dignity and throw it out the window in the bedroom”. *nods in agreement*
http://killyourdarlingsatl.com melysa martinez

PS – That illustration is awesome.
http://www.acreegraham.com Acree Graham

Yeah, but I think it’s just as often that a guy is more uncomfortable in the bedroom than the girl.

Also, what about same-sex relationships? This is Purge, after all.
rferia

(semantics) something/someone irrational doesn’t mean it won’t work, just means it defies explanation or logic (as it appears to some at least). we’re all illogical some how, it shows in our faults and biases, often revealed in our history and psychology. any way, point is- there’s no real way to be totally clear. and as for relationships and love, isn’t it that same head-over-heels manic irrationality which defines and propels it anyway?
Courtney

Would you like to get a drink sometime?
http://jglman.net J.Gilman

That bit about leaders is true. I’ll go as far as saying two people can’t walk down the street together without one being a leader. Thats just how people are made. It’s not a good or bad thing to be in the leader or follower position. And just like body fluids, you can swap them whenever you feel like.