Ask A Dick: Ladies’ Night

Men should eat more pussy. There! It’s been written down… by a man. Seriously though, why is there still this connotation that it’s not masculine? Most guys that don’t or rarely do, will tell you that a crotch is not a place they would like to shove their mouth. Which is probably for the best anyway, because then you would just have a “pussy” eating pussy and that is recursive as fuck.

The next excuse is “Man, it’s too complicated down there”. This is coming from the same assholes that can perform aerobatic maneuvers in Halo with their thumbs, but couldn’t find a clit if their lives depended on it. None of these guys have ever seen what happens when you REALLY start eating a pussy out.

When you go at it like you are dying of thirst (or hunger), it’s like a scene from The Exorcist. Limbs are flying, people are moaning and heads are spinning around and shit. Truly hot sex can happen with your face in between a woman’s legs. She blows you, you blow her. End of story.

TMJ Syndrome

“I am a 25 year old straight girl who loves giving head. All my past boyfriends have loved it when I went down on them. I recently started dating a new guy who seems to be intentionally not cumming when I go down on him. I will blow him for over 30 minutes without him even getting close to finishing. He just lays there and takes it, but my jaw starts to hurt. We sort of had a talk about it, but it hasn’t led to any changes. Am I doing something wrong?”

~Forever Sucking

Well, I am not going to immediately blame you because I know there is this myth about how all men like to get their dick sucked the same way. This is just completely untrue. Every guy likes to get his dick sucked, except for a weird minority, we just all like it different. To cup the balls or not, to put fingers in the ass or no, to gag or not. Who am I kidding about the gagging? We all love that. Your boyfriend is being a complete pussy for not telling you what he likes, or maybe he can’t cum from a blow job. Some guys like the way it feels, but it never gets them to the end. I personally don’t know how these guys have not “blown” their brains out, pun intended, but they exist. No more “sort of had a talk”, just get it out of the way if you really like him. If not, just dump him for being a passive weenie.

Pinch Hitter

“I am an 22 year old woman, and have a bit of a role reversal question. I have a great boyfriend of over a year, but I think I want to fuck him with a strap-on. We have never talked about it directly, but I feel like he has given subtle hints that he wants this to happen too. Is there any good way to just come out with it?”

~Annie O’Ring

The term is pegging, just to be clear. I am very curious what these “subtle hints” were. Does he bend over in front of you for a long time? Lot’s of guys are into this though. Have you started with some fingers in there? I mean that is a pretty easy way to start without having a long conversation on how you want to shove a dildo all up in him. Just be confident about what you want, and don’t be afraid to ask for it. Just like women, men don’t want to be fucked by someone that isn’t sure they want to be doing what they are doing.

Eat, Pray, Fuck

“I am a fat woman who loves to fuck. I don’t have a problem finding guys that want to sleep with me, but I have a really hard time finding anyone that wants to date me. There have been several times where a boy would fuck me, and then see me in public later and act like he didn’t even know me. Why are men like this? I just want to meet a nice guy that will be seen with me.”

~Big Love

You are awesome, and I don’t mean that in an “Oprah– let’s all look at our vaginas and hug kind of way”. You are awesome because you are already half way there. So many fat (your word not mine) women don’t even know where to find guys that will fuck them. The dirty secret is that there are lots of men that want to fuck a big girl. Note: I said men, not boys.

Boys are little idiots that only fuck girls they think their friends want to fuck. A man knows what he wants. Plenty of men love a woman that he doesn’t feel like he is going to break. However, you asked about dating. Well, a good first guess of who might be interested in fucking and dating you would be guys that are at least in their late twenties. Hopefully, by then they have broken out of that stupid group think bullshit. Keep searching though and keep fucking along the way. I mean, it’s not really a terrible life if you get to fuck a lot along the way, right?

Have a question? Email me at askadick@purgeatl.com