Ask A Dick: Happy Hoe-lidays

Tis’ the season and all that bullshit. Why not give the gift of an awesome orgasm to someone you love, just met or maybe just yourself? Instead of sweetly fucking your betrothed, fuck them like, or as, a $50 hooker. Can we all just be a little more honest about how we enjoy sex more when we can temporarily suspend our emotions about the other person? Probably not.

Maybe you don’t have a steady fuck. The holidays are great for hook ups because everyone comes back home. Remember that guy that moved away that always had the bad ass haircut? You and your friends probably called him “the haircut”. Well, it’s Christmas and he is back for a week. Give him the gift of a good fuck. Wait, just blow him. Blow him like the shit is going out of style. He will leave, which is perfect because you don’t want too many guys going around talking about your deep throat-ball licking technique.

For those of us who don’t have anyone, masturbation offers endless options. Even for men, mix it up. Look at new kinds of porn. Maybe you were always into big assed-latinas and never knew. Ladies, splurge and get that Cervix Blaster 9000 that you wanted. Changing things up makes everything better, and if it doesn’t, you can always make a New Years resolution to stop doing whatever it was you were trying out.

Rare, Medium or Well Done?

When you’ve already resorted to protests and physical violence. How can you make clear to a dude that ravenously chewing on my clit is the antithesis of an orgasm?

~Double Bubble

Jesus fucking Christ! Can I just say that if some idiot was biting my dick there wouldn’t be just threats of physical violence. Also, it sounds like you let this shit bag have a round two on your pussy. So, really this is your fucking bad.

Chew me once, shame on you. Chew me twice, shame on me.

Third Wheel

My girlfriend and I recently brought back a guy from a gay bar. He knew I was straight and just acted in a “support” role the whole time. He kept me really hard while I was fucking my girlfriend. Everyone had a great time, but here is my question. Am I as straight as I thought I was? I never really thought of myself as bisexual.

~Bring em’ on Home

I say you’re not bi if you don’t feel bi, unless you want to fuck the dude too. That would make you bi. Also, I doubt the gay guy you brought home wants you to be bi-sexual. Give people credit for knowing their roles most of the time. If he wasn’t trying to fuck you while he was licking your nut sack then he knew what was supposed to happen. Don’t gay guys love fucking around with straight dudes anyway?

Dick-tator

I have been with my girlfriend for over a year now. Everything is pretty good, but when we fight I have noticed that she will take away sex to punish me. Almost like she thinks it will help her win the argument. I kind of think this it isn’t fair to try to use sex against someone you love. Is she wrong for controlling both of our sexual lives like that?

~Not Getting Any

Does she have the right? Of course. This is the south, but rape is still illegal. Are her actions manipulative? Fuck yeah! You have to question some one’s understanding of a relationship when they will do something like this. I mean if she is pissed at you don’t expect to get laid. Once that has subsided, she continues to hold out and lock up her legs to win a fight? Give me a fucking break. Go find a real woman. They can’t hold out for more than a few days either and will probably swallow.

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