My Vegetarian Girlfriend: Huevos in a Basket
Introduction
I love meat. I love cow meat, pig meat, bird meat, fish meat, salted meat, candied meat, cured meat, smoked meat, shaved meat, fried meat, chopped meat, raw meat, burt meat, weird meat, I love all meat. I like to eat anything that was once living, breathing and feeling and can be orally consumed. But despite my fervent love to eat meat, I have been obligated to dine as if I were a vegetarian for the last five-and-a-half years.
It has not been for the sake of some ideology or moral objection, but rather, it has been for a much more important reason: women. Most of the girls I’ve dated, taken out or slept with have been of the vegetarian persuasion. I’m not sure what it is that makes bleeding heart, tree-hugging women fly at me like a gaggle of geese flocking south for the winter — could it be my charm, my smile, my rippling tan muscles, or my boyish good looks? No, not at all. It’s because I can cook.
From my experience I have found that the fastest way to a woman’s heart and, more importantly, into her pants is not money, muscles or sweet dance moves. The key is food. Every beautiful woman has a secret fatty hiding inside of her. She is waiting for you to unleash her from her low-cal hellhole, void of carbs, fats and candies. Like a household goldfish, if given a never ending supply of food and left alone, a female human will eat herself to death. But if you want to get yourself one of those hot, hip, idealistic, intellectual type vixens and all you know is how to cook is veggie dogs and riblets, you’re pretty much fucked.
Need not worry, fellas. I have done extensive research in my various laboratories. The results of my experimentation have been very lucrative. So this is my gift to all the hopeless dudes: recipes for vegetarian woman. They might make you feel like a ball-less pussy, but at least you’re one step closer to getting laid.
Huevos In A Basket: A spin on eggs In a basket
Category: Breakfast
For the first recipe I’m going to try and keep it simple. Breakfast. This can be used in many situations. If you are in a long-term relationship with a vegetarian girl, this can be used in a “I don’t know what I did, but I’ll make you breakfast in bed to get you off my balls about not paying attention to you when you are on your period” type situation. It could also be used as a morning-after breakfast/leading into morning-after sexercise breakfast, or that was fun, here’s some food, please leave breakfast. BOOM! Don’t be scared, we’re going to take this nice and easy.
Tools needed:
- frying pan (top preferred, if not, no big deal)
- spatula
- can opener
- spoon
- knife
Ingredients:
- bread
- eggs
- butter
- shredded jack/pepper jack cheese
- Rotel drained (one can for 2 servings)
- sour cream
- cilantro (chopped)
- lime
PARTY TIME:
Heat your pan to a medium high heat and coat the pan with butter.
Cut a hole in a piece of bread a little bigger than the egg.
If you have a big enough pan, you can cook multiple pieces.
Place the piece(s) of bread in the pan and allow to slightly brown.
Crack one egg into the hole that you cut out of the bread.
Allow to cook until the egg is secure enough to flip.
Once flipped, cover the already browned side with cheese.
Cover the pan if you want the cheese to melt faster.
The idea here is to toast the bread, and melt the cheese enough while still maintaining a runny yolk.
After you have reached the perfect equilibrium, put the slices on a plate.
Spoon the Rotel to cover the pieces of bread.
Top with a dollop of sour cream and sprinkle and pinch or two of chopped cilantro around the plate.
Add salt.
Garnish with a lime wedge.
YOU DID IT!! Now serve it up to your lucky lady, sit back, and enjoy your victory.
Photo Credit: Jason Travis
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