Ask A Dick: My Funny Valentine

Hating on Valentine’s Day has become almost as cliche as the day itself. It is an unavoidable feeling though, because that shit is so fucking cornball. Do you really lack such originality that you can’t manage to find something romantic to do any of the other 364 days of the year? Get your shit together idiots.

Do you want to show her that you love her? Listen to her stupid fucking story and actually care about the ending. If you get a text message in the middle of it and don’t look at it, the next sound you hear will be an orgasm. Just give a shit. Does that make sense to any of you?

Candy and chocolate? Believe it or not most women don’t want you to bring home more desserts. She’s probably been having a schizophrenic fight with the Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer all night and your dunderheaded ass walks through the door with candy, wearing a shit eating grin like a dog that’s proud it didn’t crap on the floor today. No wonder she hasn’t looked at your dick in months.

Speaking of that shit, you are delusional if you think putting on some sexy underwear and blowing someone is a “present”. Sex isn’t a gift, ever. If you think it is, then whoever was on the receiving end of that shit is getting some side pussy.

For a second I was trying to make this gender neutral, but let’s be honest. That shit is a position only a woman could hold. Ladies! Your pussy is the least special thing about you! You all have one. You know a man can think you are an annoying hole of a human, but we would still fuck you. It’s a beautiful thing.

I think this is the part where I am supposed to say how you should appreciate who you’re with all year long, but fuck all that. No one wants someone to treat everyday like Valentine’s Day. Some days your boyfriend will act like a cunt. You should call him on that crap. Just don’t forget to fuck him anyway. Hate fuck his ass and right as he is about to nut, slap him in his stupid mouth for acting like a twat. Then, make him eat yours.