Why do people always look at you like you are so naively adorable when you say you don’t want to have kids? Like some how cumming in a woman or passing out a baby through your vagina makes you Buddha on the mountaintop? They always say, “I’m sure you will change your mind later”. Maybe I will dip shit, maybe I won’t, but fuck you!
I think a lot of people would be more well-rounded if they didn’t have kids. Before the breeders flip their shit, I’m not saying you shouldn’t have kids. However, the pressure that people feel to produce another little jerk in their image probably isn’t healthy.
The other thing they always say is, “Oh, but you will end up loving them more than anything in the world”. So you say I will love my kid? Duh. That’s breaking fucking news. All I’m saying is maybe you can love that shitty diaper making machine and I can love taking care of the poor. I can go do things in my life while I’m still young enough to actually enjoy them. No point in seeing the Parthenon if your cataracts are fucking you up. Just cut it out with the condescending tone.
People give me this shit and I just tell them that I don’t see myself with kids right now. Like I’m supposed to get really upset that girls won’t just let me impregnate them. I don’t like to abuse kids, and someone having to listen to my bullshit 24 hours a day sounds mind warping to me.
Too Drunk To Fuck
I am a 24 year old guy who doesn’t drink or do drugs of any kind. I have never dated girls that do, but as I get older I am finding it harder to find women my age that abstain too. I find women attractive that drink, but I don’t know if I could be in a relationship with one. Are my expectations unrealistic?
~xforeveralonex
First off, I don’t trust anyone that doesn’t do at least some drugs. Just stating a fact, NARC. So assuming the rest of this is even true, grow up pussy. I don’t mean you have to start woofing down a forty bag right now, but why are you obsessed with what other responsible people do?
You are telling me that there is a woman out there that is everything you ever wanted. That’s sentimental bullshit, like a Hugh Grant movie (Did I just admit that I know what that is?). Anyway, this woman more than likely exists out there, but nope, she has a glass of wine and your dick goes limp? There are plenty of women that don’t go nuts sucking down a blueberry blunt while chugging a beer. Get over yourself. Let people live their life, and maybe you will enjoy yours dummy.
“A Boy’s Best Friend Is His Mother.”
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year, and everything has been great until a few months ago. We were at his parents, and packing our things up in his room. His mother comes up and for some reason thinks we are having sex, and freaks out. She is screaming at me through the door. As I was trying to get my things to the car she called me a whore and several other awful things. The whole time this is happening my boyfriend is doing nothing. He just packed up his stuff and we drove off. I am not over this at all, and I want him to tell him they were wrong and should apologize. What is wrong with him?
-Second To Mum
I feel completely unneeded here. If you haven’t already broken up with this no dick asshole, then you are a bigger asshole. This guy is NEVER going to have your back. What the fuck is the point of even pairing up with someone if they aren’t going to cover for you? I don’t give a shit if it was the Pope Jesus Christ Obama himself that told you your pussy smelled. If you are with someone that really loves you, he would punch that guy in the teeth.
So his mommy got confused and he just can’t tell her she was wrong? I promised myself that I would never use a certain non-sex positive word in this column, but this one brings me really goddamn close. Break up with him. From the sound of him, he will probably post a Morrissey song on his Facebook and then the whole world will know what he is all about.
The Ramburglar
This might not seem like a problem to many people, but I have a really big dick. There have been times where girls have tried to have sex with me, but just couldn’t. I hate it because I really liked some of these girls, and they never really tried again with me. Other times I have accidentally hurt them during sex. I just want to have a normal sex life. Is that ever going to be possible?
~Thunderstick
Well, you can always go to the “Big Dicked Men” support group I go to. What I don’t get is how you’ve made it through life without ever seeing a porno. Have you seen the disgusting things that those guys call cocks? They manage to have tons of sex without pushing a girl’s lungs out through her nose.
I feel like I am going crazy sometimes with the questions people send me. These are not problems people! Just don’t stick your dick all the way in to a girl that is 4’11″ unless she is into it. I’m sure she exists. Also, there are a lot of big bitches out there.
Big women = big pussies.
I am beginning to believe that there is a dick-to-brains ratio. You would definitely fall on one side. The only problem is–would I fall on the other? Fuck.
Have a question? Email me at askadick@purgeatl.com
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