By popular demand I am now expanding the topics of this column. No longer is it going to be only about where and how do I insert object A into hole B. Let’s talk about how life’s peripheral shit effects who and how you fuck. No questions this time. Sorry you little dummies.
Obtain wealth. Disregard women.
I really hate opening up with a meme seeing as how they tend to be inside jokes for douches who don’t have friends to have real inside jokes with. However, it’s true in a over simplified lame way. Also, I’d go ahead and change it to “disregard everyone”, but that doesn’t really have the same ring, does it?
Maybe it would be better as “Get your shit right and people will want to fuck you”. That sounds more my speed. There is a line of thought that permeates through the male community about getting a metric fuck ton of money together so you can get that next level woman. Next level women are the ones that you only start to see after you’ve stacked up enough hood rats to see over the wall that is created to keep lesser dicks out.
When we’re younger we notice these older guys with amazing women and we associate that with money. It’s an easy association to make, but it’s not entirely correct. Money buys a lot of shit, including young pussy, but wealth is about what you bring to the table– the whole package.
Do you know good food and drinks? How well read are you on current events? You have to get all that shit running at full blast. That next level is hard to get to and even harder to maintain. In this post-whatever-the-fuck society we are a part of, women are pretty much subject to the same shit. You reach a certain point and your looks have little to do with getting that upper echelon guy. Well, let’s be honest, it gets your foot in the door, but what are you going to do once it’s there?
You can’t let the guy pay for everything anymore. You have to be up on your game too– know some shit. Christ, just have read a book within the past month. I feel like all too often women will coast on the same shit, but then demand Carey Grant with a PHD in licking pussy.
So yeah, get your money game right. Take a little portion of it and make yourself slightly less retarded. I’d also recommend wearing clothes that don’t make you look like an idiot. Nothing makes me sadder than looking at a grown man who can’t figure out how to dress himself. Even fucking gutter punks have style, as stupid as ass flaps and all brown and black outfits look– it’s a style. Also, your dread mohawk looks fucking stupid. Sorry, it had to be said.
So when you’re thinking about blowing all your money on stupid shit start thinking about the future you. Who if they had a little more money might be able to access someone that isn’t a complete waste of space. Unless you enjoy soulless worthless holes of people. I’m envisioning a bottle-blonde with a shitty cocktail dress who says something about how Richard Gere is her favorite actor. She might even work in a gallery, but don’t be fooled. That art history degree was only obtained so she could fuck a lawyer and convince him she’s pregnant. I’m trying to think of a guy equivalent, but all I can see are flip flops in a bar. Does that paint a picture?
I know that reading the crap that I write can be a little intense. You’re probably thinking “how many times can someone say the word shit?”. So we’re going to mix it up and have someone else bring it home by providing a slightly different perspective on whatever the fuck I’m rambling on about. It seems reasonable to have an actual woman come in and sign off on my bullshit.
I hand picked Christy Haynes for this unfortunate position. I haven’t really decided if she deserves your pity or praise for having to deal with me, but without further ado I present “That’s What She Said”.
That’s What She Said
If I’ve said it once, then I’ve said it a million times “I love me a good dick”. This time I am talking about you, Richard. Thanks for giving me the chance to write about what I talk about every day of the week: sex, relationships, shortcomings and that liberator pillow. Has anybody ever bought one? If so why? You could have just stacked some books and a pillow on the edge of the bed.
As for my qualifications. I have had sex outside of a pirate themed bar. Need I say more? Probably, but don’t worry I will. Alright, let’s get to it.
Money and good sex, I do have a few theories about these. One that I’ve loosely constructed is that poor men tend to be better in bed. This is because for one brief moment in their underachieving, yet somehow still stressed out day they get to be in control and fuck the holy hell out of me. I know it sounds good, but it can also be kind of sad. Afterward, I usually want something to eat that they can’t afford and eventually I’m starving and turned off.
Being a woman who has run through the gamut of sleazeballs and douche bags, including a high school dropout who had the University of Georgia “G” tattooed on his ankle. I can confidently say that I don’t want to ever:
A. Go to another Taco Mac
B. Go dumpster diving for men
Shit, I want to be a “next level woman”. Not to be confused with a next level prostitute. Those “Real Housewives” shows are a perfect example.
Like Richard was saying, it’s never a bad idea to upgrade yourself a bit. Now that doesn’t mean you need to go out and get adult braces because that’s just awkward. You can purchase all of the hip scarves and tattoos in this world to make yourself look more interesting and desirable, but without substance all your flair is a just costume. Regarding ass-flapping gutter-punks, everyone knows you have a trust fund and just moved out of your grandparents basement which is why no one really wants to feed you or your dogs while you’re panhandling.
If you don’t have money, then at least show an interest in getting some. A great quote to remember, from believe it or not the movie BASEketball, “I’m telling you, it’s jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.” Just replace “khakis” with whatever symbol of stability you deem relevant.
While you’re waiting to get rich, the fastest way to win someone over is to have something funny to say. I have always been a sucker for a good joke, but even more impressive is a good story. It lets me know “Hey, you were an interesting person before we met and if we get to know each other better you might even make me a little more interesting too”.
Have a question? E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org