Ask A Dick: 10 Sex Tips You Can’t Live Without!

Written by Richard Arnold
They never tell you when you’re younger that being well-read makes you a better lay. It’s true though. I don’t know a single guy that hasn’t looked at a diagram of a vagina like fucking Google Map directions to pussy paradise. Silly idiots read magazines that give them all kinds of “tips”, which by the way, is some of the stupidest shit I’ve ever read. You know they’re still telling women to use feathers and shit? I can’t describe to you how quickly a dick would go limp if you pulled out some feathers, unless your dude has always wanted to fuck Big Bird.

Even sex studies can be useful. Just know how long it takes women on average to reach orgasm, or how 100% of women want to get eaten out. Shit, Wikipedia can even teach you about all the cool Furry lingo. Maybe it can even give you some ideas about fucking on a bear skin rug or some Red Shoe Diaries crap. I just like knowing people are fucking and fucking each other good. Get going!

If The Shoe Fits

I am a 22 year old female and I had been dating a guy that I thought was pretty normal. He was nice to me, treated me like how I wanted, and always made sure to rub my feet. He recently admitted that he has a foot fetish, and that these foot rubs were sexual to him. I was grossed out and broke up with him, but he wants me back. We were pretty serious and I am concerned that I could meet another guy that has some other fetish that I don’t know about. I just want a guy that likes normal sex. Is that possible?

-Cold Feet

A normal guy? The reality is that the male sexual mind is a dark place. Every single one of us has at least something fucked up we want to do with you. Be glad. We want to have sex in a strange place, a strange place in you, or maybe with something odd. Who wants to just have boring sex all the time? Oh, wait. You do, you white bread asshole. You are an asshole by the way. I know my own kind. Except you aren’t even funny. He likes to rub your feet and you freak out? You know how hard it was to admit that to you? I was wrong, you aren’t an asshole. You’re just a bitch.

Procreational Drug Use

My girlfriend of three years and I have really great sex most of the time, but she has to smoke weed before we fuck or it is not as good. Everything doesn’t flow sexually as well, and she doesn’t come. It just makes me nervous that she needs the drug for us to have a good time in bed. Should I ask her to stop?

-Cheech and Dong

I guess I should address this since last time I railed on people that don’t do drugs. If you met a girl that can basically take a magic pill and then fuck and cum like a champ, then you have no problem sir. I would also recommend you start smoking it too. To quote Bill Hicks, “I know this is not a very popular idea. You don’t hear it too often any more … but it’s the truth. I have taken drugs before and … I had a real good time. Sorry. Didn’t murder anybody, didn’t rape anybody, didn’t rob anybody, didn’t beat anybody, didn’t lose – hmm – one fucking job, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. Sorry.”

We Have N00dz

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. One night when we were both drunk he got out his camera and we took pictures of each other nude. I am really worried about these getting on the Internet or shown to my friends. Our break up wasn’t bad or anything, but I want to know he will delete them. How can I ask him to get rid of them?

-Show Girl

Well, the only way you can know they are deleted would be to have never taken them. Even the best guy will probably keep them in some form or another. That’s the truth. He might not ever show them to anyone, but for ole’ times sake he might unearth them one lonely night and rub one out.

Now, should you really care that they exist? Well, even if you do, you have to own them. Realize that it’s just your naked body. Even if you have saggy tits, a flat ass or whatever. Men don’t really care too much about that. I know that goes contrary to what Cosmo or whatever the fuck empty-headed women read these days, but it is true. Appreciate that you’re a woman and by just being a woman you have influence.

Have a question? E-mail me at askadick@purgeatl.com