Due to Christy’s busy travel schedule, this week’s “A Broad Abroad” will have a different format. Instead of beautiful photos and a brief description of why Christy’s life is better than yours, Purge Editors Johnny Carroll and Jessica Hunt attempt to piece together through captions what took place on Christy’s trip to the Netherlands.
Perhaps the first thing people notice about Amsterdam are the bicycles. There are bicycles literally everywhere. Like the plague riddled rats that swarmed this city in the middle of the seventeenth century, there are bicycles lurking around every corner, jammed into narrow alleyways and obstructing pedestrian traffic on sidewalks. Now an enduring part of the Amsterdam tableau, bicycles outnumber actual residents in the city at an 11:1 ratio. (*Statistical data may or may not be accurate.)
They’d always thought they could smoke marijuana in Amsterdam, but the hastily placed sign had them questioning themselves. Fortunately, they were already high as kites. Unfortunately, they were debating the sign’s meaning in the middle of the street where they were abruptly run over by aforementioned bicycles.
Trying to pronounce words in Dutch is really hard. Especially if you’re high. It sounds a little like German, only less angry, and bears a striking resemblance to sinus congestion. At lease the word for beer is easy.
At first glance this picture looks like a nice view of a normal Amsterdam residential area. Colorful houses, assorted bicycles, a beautiful canal and parked cars. Based on the size of those walkways though it’s quite obvious that those cars are only there for decoration. I understand that the owners of these vehicles are just showing off their wealth, but seriously, a Ford Focus hatchback?
Vincent Van Gogh used to come to this falafel shop all the time when he lived here. While again standing in the middle of the street, the girls narrowly avoided being run over by a low-speed streetcar in order to take this photo.
After smoking weed all day Nicole contemplated bum rushing a server to get a tray of space cakes. She also wouldn’t stop singing Sugar Ray’s 1997 hit song “Fly” at the top of her lungs. Needless to say, she was asked to leave when Christy told management that she was stealing wallets out of customer’s purses.
Amsterdam is also famous for its extensive network of canals. After taking this photo, Christy and Nicole commandeered a small boat from a local fisherman and took it for a joy ride while pretending to be agents making a getaway from a high stakes jewel theft.
This picture actually wasn’t taken in Amsterdam. Christy was just really missing the day she spent feeding geese at Piedmont Park with Andrew W.K.
Hidden behind this bookcase are the stairs that led up to the attic where Anne Frank and her family hid during the Nazi invasion. And if you feel like bringing a little bit of WWII Europe to your own apartment, an economically priced version of this historical piece of furniture called an Årmasfraug can be purchased at your local Ikea.
Americans that visit the Anne Frank Museum often wonder why there is no account of her marriage that resulted in her last name being changed to Huis.
More evidence of the previously mentioned bicycle infestation.
Bicycle death statistics in Amsterdam and the Netherlands:
Nationally, the total number of bicycle accident deaths hovers around 200.
In Amsterdam about 6 people die in bike-related accidents yearly.
16 million Dutch own 18 million bikes.
About half the population of the NL rides a bike once a day.
The average distance traveled by bike per person per day is 2.5km.
The bicycle is used for almost a quarter of all journeys and 35% of journeys below 7.5km.
Overall traffic safety in NL is the best in Europe, with 45 deaths per million inhabitants per year.
The US has 147 deaths per million inhabitants per year.
You’re more likely to die of murder in the US than by cycling in the Netherlands.
You’re more likely to die by drowning in the Netherlands than by cycling.
The traditional garments of Dutch natives include wooden clogs, garish scarves and plastic sunglasses which are necessary for shielding one’s eyes from the throbbing strobe light of the discotheque.
Hotel de l’Europe is a five-star hotel located on the Amstel river in the center of Amsterdam. It overlooks the Munt where Christy and Nicole slept most nights.
This pop culture relic was the original concept bike for Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.
Nicole’s craving for space cakes consumed her. By the end of the Amsterdam trip she slipped into a dark depression. Refusing to speak to anyone who wasn’t a space cake barista, she eventually severed ties with Christy and headed to the UK.