Open Letters/Open Envelopes: To The Cashier At Staples Who Asked Me To Stay With Him Forever
02 August 2012Written by Laura Straub
Thank you for your kind offer, really. It is sweet of you to offer me eternity in Staples with you. The hum of running computer fans and smell of warm copy paper is incredibly enticing to me, it really is. But this isn’t something we should rush into.
You’re right, I was a bit frazzled by the day laborer I almost ran over outside of Home Depot. Why did he choose to who step backward in front of my moving vehicle? There wasn’t a crosswalk anywhere nearby. Luckily, his coworker? friend reeled him in to safety just in time. The whole incident HAS left me incredibly shaken up. It was very kind of you to take notice.
Here’s what troubles me. Why was your immediate solution to the day laborer fiasco for me to hide with you in that Staples forever? That implies that the presence of a distracted day laborer merits the same reaction that a nuclear attack or zombie apocalypse would, which may be racist of you. Racism is a deal breaker. Sorry.
That being said, if a zombie apocalypse or nuclear attack were to take place, it would be nice to have a safe harbor. Staples is as good as anywhere I guess–save for the Whole Foods next door.
I’ve already lied to you.
If we were to stay here, sooner or later you’ll find the crushed trashcan in aisle C2, the same aisle as our future food supply: Swedish fish, gallons of Whoppers, mints, gum, coffee, etc.
I looked around for an employee for a solid five minutes before I took on the trouble of reaching the Keurig coffee pods myself. Where were you then? I admit flipping over the mesh metal trashcan and standing on top of it to reach the coffee pods might not have been the best idea. The stainless steel had less traction than I expected and it crumpled beneath my shifted weight. Ashamed, I hid it behind the other trashcans and ran away to the checkout line.