Hi, I’m James Halcrow. You might know me from the band Wizard Smoke or taking up space at your neighborhood bar. Over the years I’ve realized that I hate almost everything. I started chronicling my hatred weekly through a series of posts on Facebook called “Power Rankings of Hatred”. Purge ATL either thought that my rankings were funny or felt bad for me so they asked me to start posting them here.
So here’s a bunch of shit that I really don’t like this week. I hope you hate it. Feel free to spit on me if you see me in public.
It’s kind of a loosely defined term. I’m talking specifically about pictures with words on them that people change to suit different situations. ERMAHGEERRRD I MADE THIS BEAST CHILD SAY ERMAHGEEERD ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE! MAKE ME A CROWN OUT OF SWEET THISTLE AND BRING ME THE HEAD OF A PIG!
2. Owen Wilson
I was walking through a bar’s narrow hallway in which Owen Wilson was standing. I said “Excuse me buddy.”as I tried to pass by. He looked at me, then back at the girl he was talking to and continued his conversation without moving an inch. I get it Owen. “Fuck this fat long-haired retard” you’re talking to hot ass. But what you didn’t count on was me writing this list. I think we both know who came out on top here. This other time I yelled at Bill Murray for being in my way. True story.
3. The movie “God Bless America”
“Hey James, you hate everything. You should love this movie.” Wrong. One of the main things that pisses off Bill Murray’s brother is a William Hung type character. Really? A William Hung parody how dangerously current. You just September twelfthed me, bro.
4. Anti-Smoking Cigarette Packaging
You can fucking call them “Child Molester Appreciation Sticks”and make the box out of dead people. I will be smoking Kid Fucker Lights until the day I die, which is probably soon. Please have my funeral make GG Allin’s look like tea with the queen.
5. People who try to get me to read that article about Juggalos being classified as a gang
Ever since my landlord said I looked like a Juggalo on facebook I am mentally boycotting them. They don’t exist to me. Hey lady, I don’t look like a Juggalo. Was I wearing face paint and JNCOs? Was I smoking meth and masturbating at passing women? No! I’ve got long hair and super cool tattoos and I was wearing a Torche shirt. I’m not a loser who bases his life around some stupid band and doing drugs. Jeez, get a clue.
6. Pre-Season Football
The only positive is that it allows me to truly empathize with people who don’t like football. It’s confusing. You don’t know who any of the players are. You can’t even tell if the teams are trying to win the game and you’re surrounded by a bunch of dipshits who are cheering for no reason.
7. Kirk Cameron
Yes Kirk, I wake up in cold sweats every night screaming my throat raw because of bananas. They’re basically my Vietnam. Can you please get on with the jenkem huffing fueled child murder spree portion of your career?
The Learning Channel used to show cool science shows and Junkyard Wars (no, Junkyard Wars was not a staged reality show about pro wrestling fans beating each other up over parking tickets in a junkyard.) The only thing I’ve learned from TLC in the last 10 years is that we need extermination camps.
9. People saying “I’m such a nerd.”
No, you god damned aren’t. You know who’s a nerd? My brother. He has a Ph.D. in physics and plays chess. Oh, you dressed up like a Ninja Turtle and went to Dragon*Con? You just like halloween too much, asshole. My brother is down in the game room wishing you were dead.
10. America’s rejection of the bidet
Come on guys, I’ve got a toothbrush that could bring your girlfriend to a cosmic out of body experience orgasm in 3 seconds. My car is 20 years old and it has 10 comfort settings for the driver’s seat. My phone could overthrow a small government. My TV has a damn internet on it.
We love technology useless or otherwise. Why don’t we have bidets? They are closest thing to magic being real. Oh I see, you like accidentally getting poop on your fingers. Move to Germany you fucking freak. Can we please get some bidets up in here one mother fucking time?