Power Rankings of Hatred for the Week of 8.19.12

1. Fake Glasses

The absolute worst. Remember that guy that showed up to your prom? I don’t, didn’t go. Suck it, preps. I don’t need your sheeple dance. Baaaah baaah! Anyway, Remember that guy who went to your prom dressed as a pimp with cane that matched his suit? That’s you, numb nuts. You’re wearing a fake prosthetic as a fashion accessory. There are people all over the world that pay thousands of dollars for lasik surgery so they don’t have to wear those things. Yet here you are with purple frames and non-focal lenses. Get fucked.

2. Cute Things

I’ve seen precisely two cute things in my life. One is a baby pigmy hippo calf named “Prince Harry” but that little mother fucker died, and now I’m just counting the days til I meet him. The second was your dad’s little baby dick. Shit was more precious than Precious.

3. People that threaten to move

Everyone I’ve ever known that does this has a common trait. They are terrible at maintaining functional friendships. Everyone in Atlanta sucks. Really? 6 million people (or some shit) and they all suck? What’s more likely: all those people sucking or that your company is as tolerable as an egg/cabbage fart, and due to your faltulant personality no one is nice to you? No matter where you go people will find you to be insufferable, and you’ll be back to hating everyone and threatening them with the unholy notion that you might some day *gasp* move A-WAY! But whatever, we both know you’re spineless, ambitionless and borderline retarded so you’re not going anywhere. You’re just going to keep sitting on that bar stool next to me pummeling my eardrums with your bullshit.

Cool story. This one time my friend said he was moving to a city that had more opportunities for video editors. A month later he moved. Total mind-blow, right?

4. Facebook Astronomers

“Dude, did you know that tomorrow is like the first full solar eclipse in like 35 years? It’s a really special time to be alive. Blessed, blissed out, fully nag champa’d” There can be up to eight lunar/solar eclipses on earth in a year. None of them are ever exceptional to look at. As a matter of fact they’re boring as hell. You can pretty much always see a planet at some point during the night and they are way cooler looking than any shadow. When you freak out about mundane celestial events it makes me hope that you are mustering the courage to Heaven’s Gate yourself.

5. Your Mom’s Cooking

Jesus lady, take a class at the YWCA or something. I came here to spite your child with my sexing, not to get food poisoning.

6. Toe Nails

Ugly functionless opportunities for pain. Your appendix is just as useless, and it might kill you, but toe nails are a guaranteed lifetime of Sisyphean maintenance. I guess you can’t paint your appendix with cute kitty cat faces though.

7. People who propagate obvious wives tales in the internet age

The prisoner who told the warden that he buried some bodies in his grandfather’s backyard so they would dig it up, thus effectively tilling his new garden bed? Bullshit. Backwards ATM PIN calls the cops? Bullshit. Gum takes 7 years to digest? Bullshit. Do your research because if you don’t I will, and I’ll be a dick about it. Note: I have not researched anything in this article.

8. My Driveway

Why the hell did I move into a house on a busy street. There have been times where I’ve sat in my driveway for over 5 minutes waiting to back out. Nothing like sitting in traffic in your own front yard.

9. Ants

I don’t think they serve any sort of purpose for us humans. Hell, maybe they do. I don’t really care. I literally had ants in the pants last week. It was horrible. I was basically this guy.

10. When people don’t tell me that drummers are midgets

Toad The Wet Sprocket’s drummer was a midget. Let me repeat that. Toad The Wet Sprocket’s drummer was a midget. No one ever told me about that shit. Why? I’m very disappointed in everyone I’ve ever known. He looks like the Critic. It’s amazing.