Last Sunday night I went to jail for driving with a license that had expired 19 days prior. Earlier this week I made a list of my top 5 favorite things about going to jail. Here’s the other side of the coin–my power rankings of hatred for going to jail.
I know they are the only way for you to achieve the knee-buckling, god-revealing orgasms you so crave, but to the rest of us they are just light torture devices. Never thought I’d ever rub my own face on a cop car, but thanks to handcuffs I am now a man who has done that weird shit.
2. Jail Guards
So let me get this straight, you electively spend all your waking moments in this place? You’ve got to be the dumbest mother fucker alive. You know you can also make $25,000 a year working at a car wash and they don’t even make you dress up like Judge Dread. Yeah I get it, you’re very powerful. You yelled at a homeless guy for using the water fountain too frequently. Let the mountains tremble and the seas weep at your righteous might.
3. Jail Tough Guys
Your blackness and use of the word “faggot”are very intimidating. My pants! What foul moisture is this accumulating in them? You know, for some weird reason I bet all these Judge Dreads are salivating at the opportunity to stomp the ever loving shit out of somebody, and the guy that provokes other inmates is the odds on favorite to win that lottery.
4. Jail Food
I’ve heard obnoxious foodie types talk about “using all of your senses to truly appreciate a meal.” I only used 2 with jail food. Sight: I saw a piece of bologna that appeared to have been seasoned with black mold. Sound: As the food cart arrived the inmate next to me let out a long burbling slow burner fart that made me contemplate a permanent hunger strike. Not the good kind.
5. The Cold
It’s about 65 degrees in the Atlanta City Detention Center. A fine temperature for me, but I think I was the only one enjoying it. It reduced the other 100 grown men in the room with me to petulant children. Many of them were wrapping themselves up with toilet paper in between exaggerated moans and complaints.
6. The Judge
This asshole dressed me down like the Big Lebowski. for the high crime of putting off going to the dmv for a couple weeks. According to the other inmates he is the nice judge too. He did release me on a signature bond and will most likely drop the charges when I show him my new ID, but that only seems logical, not nice.
7. No One Even TRIED To Rape Me
What gives? I’m not pretty enough? Well excuse me, I did just get arrested. They confiscated my scrunchy and wiped off my lip liner so I know I’m not… Well it must be nice to be so perfect all the time!
8. No Smoking
I would have smoked a week old butt out of a dirty toilet after 5 hours in that mug. I get that it’s supposed to be a punishment, but aren’t we innocent until proven guilty? I hadn’t been convicted of a damn thing at that point. Let me have my fucking cigarettes.
9. Collect Call Only Phones
They’re willing to keep a 7 story building in downtown Atlanta at 65 degrees in August but they won’t spring for a local phone call that will help you get out of their hair faster? That’s some level 10 Mensa genius shit right there. Well if the calls were free I’d end up doing this the whole time.
10. Lack of Information
No one tells you shit. They just touch your penis, take your picture, and tell you to go sit down. I didn’t know if I was supposed to get a bail bondsman, if I was allowed to use the phone, if I was allowed to go to the bathroom, if I was allowed to use the water fountain, when I was supposed to get released, how I was going to be released… Can a player get a jail syllabus?