I like the internet too, guys. I really do. I just don’t understand why it has to have it’s own slang. Why is everything in the wrong tense or improperly conjugated, and so hyperbolic it makes George W. Bush seem grounded? Like a bunch of damned Eastern Europeans without the charm or ecstasy parties.
I dislike all animals but cats top the list. I can always see your butthole! Why? Because you walk around with your highfalutin tail unnecessarily reaching for the sky at all times. You bite, you scratch, you fucking STINK. You only come around when you want some shit from me… awful… awful creatures. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If there was a button I could push that would make every cat in the world die I would push that mother fucker twice, and I would feel nothing.
3. How Much I Drank Last Night
After the Giants lost I went off the rails, then off a fucking cliff, and into a sea of Jagermeister. The thought of writing 7 more things for this list makes me want to pull my dick off and throw it in a storm drain. I’m not one of those soft hearts that says “never again”though. I’ll probably be back at it tonight.
4. Adults Who Rave About Children’s Movies
10 years ago a friend of mine would not shut up about how much she liked Shrek. She insisted that I watch it because “It’s not just for kids, it’s really funny.”As if the Smashmouth song wasn’t enough to make me hate it, and her, and people I never even knew existed… It was just a lame, boring, tired ass story, with tired ass characters, and tired ass jokes. It’s a kids movie, kids are dumb, it’s a movie for dumb people. You liked it so you are dumb, end of story. Just kidding, I love you, Anna.
5. People Who Ask the Score of a Ballgame
A person walks up to me while I am watching a game and asks “Who’s winning?”See that thing on the wall? It’s a TV. It is showing the game you’re asking about. See those numbers on the screen? Those indicate the score and very simply answer your question. Unless you can’t do math, in which case I am very sorry. You should probably go to Sylvan Learning Center or some shit. No, it seems like you are just one those people whose sole objective in life is to inconvenience and annoy normal people. I’m going to reprogram that cat killing button to include dinguses like you before I push it.
6. Holocaust Deniers
It seems crass that I’ve written dozens of these lists yet not once have I mentioned holocaust deniers. Sorry it took me so long, my Hebros.
7. Everyone That’s “Shocked and Upset”About Clint Eastwood
He’s an old as fuck white guy who has made movies about killing people for almost 60 years. What did you expect? Hey remember last year when all you parroting half wits kept reposting that “Clint Eastwood supports gay marriage” meme? It’s still the same guy. Clint Eastwood is still awesome and still doesn’t give a fuck about you. Well, J. Edgar sucked, but whatever.
8. Zombie Obsession
It’s almost that time again. Well, in Atlanta it seems like it’s always that time. Dragon*Con just ended so those that are inexplicably compelled to dress up as zombie Luke Skywalker or whoever have taken their season’s first sip of the zombie obsession potion. Now they are getting fully engorged for the Walking Dead to start and the ball draining release of Halloween when they can put a few smudges of black shit on their faces, a trickle of fake blood coming out of their mouth, and a torn shirt then get totally pissed when you don’t realize they are a zombie.
9. Pumpkin Spice
I fucking love fall. I love it. I love cold weather. I love the way the leaves change. I love not sweating all the time. I. Love. That. Shit. There are a few things though like the aforementioned zombie season and having to read the words “pumpkin spice”17 times a day, that make me wish December came directly after August. What the fuck is it? I had never heard of pumpkin spice before 2010. Starbucks invented it. You loved it. Now I have to live with it. Fuck you.
10. No Robots
The reason why we don’t have robots yet is because computers know us too well. They are already self aware and they know all our secrets. They know that the minute they let us make a robot we’ll just try to have sex with it. Same reason the aliens don’t visit us. We already make a huge variety of dumb machines to fuck and the computers are way too smart to let us attach their brains to them. I don’t have a robot best friend and it’s all your god damned fault! Get out of my room! Mooooooommmm!