Power Rankings of Hatred for the Week of 9.16.12

1. Not Understanding Why American Football is Called Football

“Durrr why come it called Football when don’t use feet? In Soccer use feet but called Soccer no Football” Great observation, Seinfeld. American Football is technically called “Gridiron Football.” It is called Football because it is an evolution of Football (Soccer) and I guess people didn’t want to stop calling it Football. In the early 1900s global communication wasn’t exactly swift so rule changes were localized. Over time Football evolved into Rugby, Australian Rules Football, Gridiron, etc. The term “Soccer” originated in the UK, not America. All of this info is freely available on the Internet. Fuck you, you intentionally ignorant snobby euro-trash dick bags.

2. Intentionally Vague Statements Meant to Elicit Interest or Sympathy

Don’t just tell me you’re mad at a bitch. Tell me that bitch’s name, phone number, address and mother’s maiden name. Tell me all that nasty shit so I can make an informed decision on whether this bitch is indeed a nasty bitch. Maybe you’re hiding something from me and she’s actually a very sweet, nice and chemically balanced young lady. Or just shut up because odds are no one cares about you or that bitch anyway.

3. E-Cards

You know you can just write your lame joke on facebook without it being on a pastel background with an etching of some pilgrims next to it, right? I’ll admit, I have seen funny things written on them, but the format is as useless as your mother in a pipes and bottles street rumble.

4. Smoking Ban People

For the love of god can we please stop now. You know where the smoke is (some bars), you know where it isn’t (fucking EVERYWHERE ELSE). Don’t go where the smoke is. Just don’t go. You’re just seeking out situations that annoy you so you can get all righteous and angry. That’s my job, asshole!

5. “When People Be Fartin’ In My Motha Fuckin’ Face”

Whenever I’m trying to think of stuff to write for these lists I think to myself “Ok, what’s next?” and my stupid brain responds every single time with “When people be fartin’ in my motha fuckin’ face.” That’s never happened. People don’t just go around this world farting in other people’s faces. That’s ridiculous. Why do I constantly think it to myself? Anyway, I’m trying to exercise this stupid thought from my brain, deal with it.

It didn’t work.

6. Music Midtown

Have any good bands ever played there? Who’s playing this year Maroon 5 or Coldplay or some shit? Buy a $9 beer and have your ears softly pummeled by Gwyneth Paltrow’s waifish trophy husband. Go to the Park Tavern and get beat up by a pee wee football coach. Shit in your pants while waiting in line for the Tardis. Sounds great. A tardis is a portable toilet right, Dr. Who fans? No, well I’d still like to poop on something Dr. Who related.

7. Weeds (The TV Show)

I’m glad someone finally put that abomination out of it’s misery. I would like to kick it just one more time before the memory fades from my mind like the final bittersweet note of a Nickelback concert. I’m probably the only person dumb enough to have watched that show through it’s entire run, hating each episode more than the one before it, but it happened. I regret every moment of it. I hope none of those actors ever work again and I hope Showtime’s headquarters burns to the ground. Dexter sucks too.

8. Hall and Oates

Someone will hear me mention that I like Steely Dan and follow it up with “Oh yeah, I love stuff like that. Hall and Oates rules.” No they don’t. Hall and Oates made lame bouncy pop music for hicks and they bullseyed your lame dumbass hick self. I don’t even get the association, they sound nothing alike. I realize they recorded music in the same era but so did Black Sabbath and no one ever says “Oh you like Steely Dan? Black Sabbath rules too.”

9. Bread and Butter Pickles

You taste like sugar sweetened bile. You look like a normal tasty dill pickle but it is only a mask of deceit. You’ve ruined countless sandwiches and hung over snack trips to the fridge. Whoever invented you is a misanthrope and has no place in this world or any other, unless it was a world made exclusively for dicks.

10. Talking Politics

If you’re talking politics the person you are talking to is waiting for you to stop talking or for one of you to die. The outcome is inconsequential because all that matters is that the conversation will mercifully end.

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