Power Rankings of Hatred for the Week of 9.23.12
28 September 2012
Written by James Halcrow
1. Group Texting
I’m not an Apple person so I’ve never owned an iphone. I don’t know how group texting looks on one, but I assume it’s a pleasant chat room type thing. When you group message a bunch of people without iphones they get a new text every time someone responds. On my Evo it acts like its a picture so I get one text notification when the text first arrives then a second a few moments later when the picture of the text finishes downloading. If you are texting with a chatty group then all non iphone user’s phones are going to be going fucking berserk for the next half hour. Thanks dickhead. Why the hell are you group texting anyway? Email or facebook, mother fucker. That’s what that shit is there for!
2. Implant Piercings
I don’t know if that’s actually what they’re called and I don’t particularly care. I do know that they make you like filthy fucking Floridian trash. Whether it be high on the cheek bone, on your chest, or the extra creepy dimple it just looks heinous. What, were labret piercings not butthole-like enough for you?
3. Jellybeans
Not the candy, I am indifferent to those jellybeans. I’m talking about Jellybeans the dog. I love the show Wilfred, Wilfred hates Jellybeans, therefore I hate Jellybeans. Stuck up golden retrieven’ ass, mark ass, buster.
4. “This”
I get it. Sometimes you can’t think of something or you don’t want to think of something to say to frame a video or story you’re sharing with your friends on facebook. You want to offer it up context free. So why the hell do you write “This”? I know you want me to read “This” that’s why you posted “This” but I am not going to read “This” because you are an annoying internet speak obsessed parrot. To me that means that you’re tasteless or at least at this moment you are expressing the qualities of a tasteless person and the thing you want me to read is a reflection of your personality flaw.
5. First World Problems
Oh shut the fuck up. You can be upset. You think starving children are indifferent to stuff not arriving on time or a tool not working properly? No, they hate that shit too. You’ve just got that Gwynneth Paltrow hollywood syndrome where you think that acknowledging your spoiledness somehow absolves you of it. You have an ipad. You want that fucker to work. It should work. You paid enough god damn money for it.
6. Apple Products
Hell, I’ve talked about them enough in this list already, right? You’re paying 50% more for stuff for it’s packaging. You know it, I know it, you just pretend not to. What do you do on your computer. Fuck around on the internet, watch movies, listen to music, do stuff for school/work… so does everyone else with a computer, regardless of the manufacturer. Movies aren’t better on your mac, music doesn’t sound better, your work still sucks and you’re getting fired tomorrow. It’s not even like a car where a more expensive one would be faster, bigger, or more fuel efficient. It’s just prettier. Oh I forgot, you’re a graphic designer, you need a mac. Adobe makes photoshop for windows too, cocksucker. This is you.
7. Bees
I got stung by a fucking bee the other day. Do hornets and wasps do any pollinating? I doubt it. I think they just hang out like gangsters and fuck people up for no reason. I walked by some wasps playing basketball in the park, they said very mean things to my girlfriend and stung like crazy.
8. Pizza with a Bunch of Toppings
What’s wrong with just pepperoni? Why does it have to be triple garlic alfredo chicken pesto glacier? Why are you even eating pizza? Why don’t you just get a chicken breast with some noodles and pesto? It’s cool if you don’t like pizza, you know, whatever. You don’t have to subvert and bastardize it though.
9. Parents That Choose Their Kid’s Halloween Costume
“Let’s get your Halloween costume on!”
“YAY!”
“I’m going to dress you up as Prince!”
“I’m going to be a Prince!?!?!”
“Not A prince, you’re going to BE Prince.”
“Who the hell is that?”
“Don’t worry you and everyone on the internet will love it…”
“Great.”
10. Cam Newton
I hate Cam Newton so fucking much. Last Thursday night was like Christmas. That pretty boy bitch was over-celebrating his one touchdown when they were still down by 20 points to my beloved New York Giants. He celebrates the glory that is he and not the act, a fine distinction I know, but it drives me insane with rage. Randy Moss mooning fans, love it. Chad Johnson doing some silly shit, love it. When Cam does his superman it’s like watching a male stripper. Pure vanity.
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