Power Rankings of Hatred for the Week of 9.30.12

1. A.K.A. means “Also Known As”

It does not mean “in other words”. When you say something stupid like “I’m going to the mall A.K.A. going to spend all my money on SHOOOOOOES!” you sound like an idiot. You use A.K.A. when a thing has a second name, like the The Sears Tower (Willis Tower) or The Roosevelt Park Rapist. If you were writing it you would say i.e. but people who use i.e. when they are speaking sound like a mixture of corporate office buzz-worder and valley girl. Say “in other words” or just shorten the damn thing up and say “I’m going to the mall to spend all my money on SHOOOOOOES!” Alright, let’s go buy some fucking shoes.

2. The God Damn DMV

I wrote about getting arrested because my driver’s license was expired a few weeks back. I tried to renew the god damn thing online and inadvertently unlicensed myself (for some insane reason this is an option on their website) and presto– a few weeks later I’m in jail. The day after I get out I go to renew the license in person. Thinking all my paperwork is in line I go to court to settle this stupid ordeal. I sit down with the solicitor and she asks to see my license. When I show it to her she says, “This isn’t a license it’s an ID card.” I’m shocked and I explain that I have no idea why it’s an ID card and not a license. She then takes the hard line and accuses me of trying to pull a fast one claiming that my license was revoked or suspended. It most certainly was not. Eventually they just reset my court date. The next day I go back to the mother fucking dmv, explain my case, and get a very useful apology and an actual driver’s license. You know you, me, and everyone else on the planet knows that everyone that works at the DMV is a sub-literate mongoloid that would be dead if not for the pain response their caveman brain gives when they forget to breathe, but I never thought I’d end up in jail because of their incompetence.

3. The Philadelphia Eagles

I know most people who read this probably don’t give a shit about sports, but I do so you’re just going to have to bear with me (or get bare with me, jeeah it’s ya boy. ha HA!). My beloved New York Giants ALWAYS lose to them. I think we’ve lost 8 of the last 9 games. I hate the team. I hate the color green. I hate their jerk off inbred fuck-face fans. I hate the band “The Eagles”. I hate the Son of Cheeseburger Walrus (Coach Andy Reid). I hate his stupid dead son. I hate Mike Vick, I hate the dogs he killed. I hate the Linc, I hate LeSean McCoy, Shady Nasty by hairy butthole mother fucker. I hate seeing Ron Jaworski on ESPN. I hate his stupid lady frame eyeglasses. FUUUUUUUCK! I hate the fucking Eagles!

4. My Merkin Collection

It’s so outdated. Seriously, who owns a K-Fed merkin anymore? It’s like, OK, the faux hawk merkin is funny now because it’s ironic but I think it’s just a ruse that’s as obvious as when they changed Beckys on Roseanne. Someone please take me merkin shopping and end my pubic nightmare.

5. Blow Job Porn

It’s happened to us all. You’re cruising your favorite porn clip site, you see the one with the girl you like, you get situated, and press play. A minute goes by and all you can see is this girl’s face and a huge dick in the foreground, you skip ahead a few minutes, nothing changes. You skip ahead a few more minutes, same thing, and then it ends. Who the hell watches this shit? I need some action god damn it.

6. Modern Action Movies

I’ve almost completely given up on the genre. I thought the point of an action movie was to showcase fighting techniques and brutality. Now it seems that it’s more about convoluted plots, ridiculously inaccurate technical jargon and graphical interfaces, and 2 second cuts shot with shaky cameras. There are some exceptions I suppose. All the Krav Maga stuff from Taken was pretty cool. I’m just glad all that stupid wire trick shit is mostly gone.

7. Butt-Chugging

Just kidding, this is probably the first overexposed meme I’ve ever liked. I’ve watched this video around 10 times and I’m still not tired of hearing that up tight chicken little looking attorney say “Butt Chugging” What god did I please?

8. Traffic Jumpers

We’ve all got a light where traffic backs up and people will drive down a long turn lane adjacent to the two stopped lanes then cut back in at the last second. The worst one currently in my life is the southbound lane of Moreland just before Memorial. These self important assholes are a large reason for the traffic being backed up in the first place. I personally do my best to not let them over and leave their shit hanging out in the middle of the intersection. The problem with this is that it prevents the people who are legitimately in the turn lane from making their left turn. It’s a catch 22 but that’s why I always keep a couple of bottles of piss in my car… well that and if I’m feeling kinky.

9. Promoters that only book local shows and aren’t also a booking agent for a venue

You serve no function. You’re annoying. No one cares about your “brand”. Get fucked. If I want to book a show I’ll email a booking agent at a venue to find their open dates, email bands that I want to play with, then email the club back with a line up. Real graduate level stuff. James Halcrow’s Butthole Presents: Sex With Your Family Fest! Only $8!!! No one will ever remember this show but I’m gonna act like it’s the greatest fucking thing ever… ever… ever. If you’re booking local bands to play with national acts you bring to town and/or you’re trying to fill a calendar this has nothing to do with you, I love you, you’re wonderful people. Also, exempt are one timers who are organizing a benefit or something similar.

10. Sour Mix

Who is responsible for this unholy creation. “Hi, I’d like a drink, but can you make it taste like bargain brand ecto-cooler and give me extreme heartburn?”

“ I’ve got just the thing!”

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