Author Archive

Even sex studies can be useful. Just know how long it takes women on average to reach orgasm, or how 100% of women want to get eaten out. Shit, Wikipedia can even teach you about all the cool Furry lingo. Maybe it can even give you some ideas about fucking on a bear skin rug or some Red Shoe Diaries crap. I just like knowing people are fucking and fucking each other good. Get going!

If The Shoe Fits

I am a 22 year old female and I had been dating a guy that I thought was pretty normal. He was nice to me, treated me like how I wanted, and always made sure to rub my feet. He recently admitted that he has a foot fetish, and that these foot rubs were sexual to him. I was grossed out and broke up with him, but he wants me back. We were pretty serious and I am concerned that I could meet another guy that has some other fetish that I don’t know about. I just want a guy that likes normal sex. Is that possible?

-Cold Feet

A normal guy? The reality is that the male sexual mind is a dark place. Every single one of us has at least something fucked up we want to do with you. Be glad. We want to have sex in a strange place, a strange place in you, or maybe with something odd. Who wants to just have boring sex all the time? Oh, wait. You do, you white bread asshole. You are an asshole by the way. I know my own kind. Except you aren’t even funny. He likes to rub your feet and you freak out? You know how hard it was to admit that to you? I was wrong, you aren’t an asshole. You’re just a bitch.

Procreational Drug Use

My girlfriend of three years and I have really great sex most of the time, but she has to smoke weed before we fuck or it is not as good. Everything doesn’t flow sexually as well, and she doesn’t come. It just makes me nervous that she needs the drug for us to have a good time in bed. Should I ask her to stop?

-Cheech and Dong

I guess I should address this since last time I railed on people that don’t do drugs. If you met a girl that can basically take a magic pill and then fuck and cum like a champ, then you have no problem sir. I would also recommend you start smoking it too. To quote Bill Hicks, “I know this is not a very popular idea. You don’t hear it too often any more … but it’s the truth. I have taken drugs before and … I had a real good time. Sorry. Didn’t murder anybody, didn’t rape anybody, didn’t rob anybody, didn’t beat anybody, didn’t lose – hmm – one fucking job, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. Sorry.”

We Have N00dz

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. One night when we were both drunk he got out his camera and we took pictures of each other nude. I am really worried about these getting on the Internet or shown to my friends. Our break up wasn’t bad or anything, but I want to know he will delete them. How can I ask him to get rid of them?

-Show Girl

Well, the only way you can know they are deleted would be to have never taken them. Even the best guy will probably keep them in some form or another. That’s the truth. He might not ever show them to anyone, but for ole’ times sake he might unearth them one lonely night and rub one out.

Now, should you really care that they exist? Well, even if you do, you have to own them. Realize that it’s just your naked body. Even if you have saggy tits, a flat ass or whatever. Men don’t really care too much about that. I know that goes contrary to what Cosmo or whatever the fuck empty-headed women read these days, but it is true. Appreciate that you’re a woman and by just being a woman you have influence.

Have a question? E-mail me at askadick@purgeatl.com

By popular demand I am now expanding the topics of this column. No longer is it going to be only about where and how do I insert object A into hole B. Let’s talk about how life’s peripheral shit effects who and how you fuck. No questions this time. Sorry you little dummies.

Obtain wealth. Disregard women.

I really hate opening up with a meme seeing as how they tend to be inside jokes for douches who don’t have friends to have real inside jokes with. However, it’s true in a over simplified lame way. Also, I’d go ahead and change it to “disregard everyone”, but that doesn’t really have the same ring, does it?

Maybe it would be better as “Get your shit right and people will want to fuck you”. That sounds more my speed. There is a line of thought that permeates through the male community about getting a metric fuck ton of money together so you can get that next level woman. Next level women are the ones that you only start to see after you’ve stacked up enough hood rats to see over the wall that is created to keep lesser dicks out.

When we’re younger we notice these older guys with amazing women and we associate that with money. It’s an easy association to make, but it’s not entirely correct. Money buys a lot of shit, including young pussy, but wealth is about what you bring to the table– the whole package.

Do you know good food and drinks? How well read are you on current events? You have to get all that shit running at full blast. That next level is hard to get to and even harder to maintain. In this post-whatever-the-fuck society we are a part of, women are pretty much subject to the same shit. You reach a certain point and your looks have little to do with getting that upper echelon guy. Well, let’s be honest, it gets your foot in the door, but what are you going to do once it’s there?

You can’t let the guy pay for everything anymore. You have to be up on your game too– know some shit. Christ, just have read a book within the past month. I feel like all too often women will coast on the same shit, but then demand Carey Grant with a PHD in licking pussy.

So yeah, get your money game right. Take a little portion of it and make yourself slightly less retarded. I’d also recommend wearing clothes that don’t make you look like an idiot. Nothing makes me sadder than looking at a grown man who can’t figure out how to dress himself. Even fucking gutter punks have style, as stupid as ass flaps and all brown and black outfits look– it’s a style. Also, your dread mohawk looks fucking stupid. Sorry, it had to be said.

So when you’re thinking about blowing all your money on stupid shit start thinking about the future you. Who if they had a little more money might be able to access someone that isn’t a complete waste of space. Unless you enjoy soulless worthless holes of people. I’m envisioning a bottle-blonde with a shitty cocktail dress who says something about how Richard Gere is her favorite actor. She might even work in a gallery, but don’t be fooled. That art history degree was only obtained so she could fuck a lawyer and convince him she’s pregnant. I’m trying to think of a guy equivalent, but all I can see are flip flops in a bar. Does that paint a picture?

I know that reading the crap that I write can be a little intense. You’re probably thinking “how many times can someone say the word shit?”. So we’re going to mix it up and have someone else bring it home by providing a slightly different perspective on whatever the fuck I’m rambling on about. It seems reasonable to have an actual woman come in and sign off on my bullshit.

I hand picked Christy Haynes for this unfortunate position. I haven’t really decided if she deserves your pity or praise for having to deal with me, but without further ado I present “That’s What She Said”.

That’s What She Said

If I’ve said it once, then I’ve said it a million times “I love me a good dick”. This time I am talking about you, Richard. Thanks for giving me the chance to write about what I talk about every day of the week: sex, relationships, shortcomings and that liberator pillow. Has anybody ever bought one?  If so why? You could have just stacked some books and a pillow on the edge of the bed.

As for my qualifications. I have had sex outside of a pirate themed bar. Need I say more? Probably, but don’t worry I will. Alright, let’s get to it.

Money and good sex, I do have a few theories about these. One that I’ve loosely constructed is that poor men tend to be better in bed. This is because for one brief moment in their underachieving, yet somehow still stressed out day they get to be in control and fuck the holy hell out of me. I know it sounds good, but it can also be kind of sad. Afterward, I usually want something to eat that they can’t afford and eventually I’m starving and turned off.

Being a woman who has run through the gamut of sleazeballs and douche bags, including a high school dropout who had the University of Georgia “G” tattooed on his ankle. I can confidently say that I don’t want to ever:

A. Go to another Taco Mac

and

B. Go dumpster diving for men

Shit, I want to be a “next level woman”. Not to be confused with a next level prostitute.  Those “Real Housewives” shows are a perfect example.

Like Richard was saying, it’s never a bad idea to upgrade yourself a bit. Now that doesn’t mean you need to go out and get adult braces because that’s just awkward. You can purchase all of the hip scarves and tattoos in this world to make yourself look more interesting and desirable, but without substance all your flair is a just costume. Regarding ass-flapping gutter-punks, everyone knows you have a trust fund and just moved out of your grandparents basement which is why no one really wants to feed you or your dogs while you’re panhandling.

If you don’t have money, then at least show an interest in getting some. A great quote to remember, from believe it or not the movie BASEketball, “I’m telling you, it’s jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.” Just replace “khakis” with whatever symbol of stability you deem relevant.

While you’re waiting to get rich, the fastest way to win someone over is to have something funny to say. I have always been a sucker for a good joke, but even more impressive is a good story. It lets me know “Hey, you were an interesting person before we met and if we get to know each other better you might even make me a little more interesting too”.

Have a question? E-mail me at askadick@purgeatl.com

Hating on Valentine’s Day has become almost as cliche as the day itself. It is an unavoidable feeling though, because that shit is so fucking cornball. Do you really lack such originality that you can’t manage to find something romantic to do any of the other 364 days of the year? Get your shit together idiots.

Do you want to show her that you love her? Listen to her stupid fucking story and actually care about the ending. If you get a text message in the middle of it and don’t look at it, the next sound you hear will be an orgasm. Just give a shit. Does that make sense to any of you?

Candy and chocolate? Believe it or not most women don’t want you to bring home more desserts. She’s probably been having a schizophrenic fight with the Ben and Jerry’s in the freezer all night and your dunderheaded ass walks through the door with candy, wearing a shit eating grin like a dog that’s proud it didn’t crap on the floor today. No wonder she hasn’t looked at your dick in months.

Speaking of that shit, you are delusional if you think putting on some sexy underwear and blowing someone is a “present”. Sex isn’t a gift, ever. If you think it is, then whoever was on the receiving end of that shit is getting some side pussy.

For a second I was trying to make this gender neutral, but let’s be honest. That shit is a position only a woman could hold. Ladies! Your pussy is the least special thing about you! You all have one. You know a man can think you are an annoying hole of a human, but we would still fuck you. It’s a beautiful thing.

I think this is the part where I am supposed to say how you should appreciate who you’re with all year long, but fuck all that. No one wants someone to treat everyday like Valentine’s Day. Some days your boyfriend will act like a cunt. You should call him on that crap. Just don’t forget to fuck him anyway. Hate fuck his ass and right as he is about to nut, slap him in his stupid mouth for acting like a twat. Then, make him eat yours.